you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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