shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
