No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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