If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
how does that bad decision feel?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
