This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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