Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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