well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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