How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
