he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
