my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sober January is a disaster.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
