Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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