I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
