My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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