I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
