My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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