1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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