I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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