Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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