I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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