I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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