I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
