Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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