omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
