I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
