Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
