I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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