These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
