I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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