Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
