Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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