shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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