So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
