just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
