Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
