i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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