Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
