You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
