I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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