there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
