I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
