I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
