eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
