We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
