Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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