I accidentally burped into my bong.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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