dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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