I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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