I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
