She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
