I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize