I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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