I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
