my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize