I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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