Apparently you make a good broom.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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