Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
