Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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