The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
