Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
