The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
