guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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