1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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