i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
